i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
