Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
