Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
