boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
