im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
