his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
