I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
What drink are we having for lunch?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
