I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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