Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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