That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
