He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
