I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
