So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
