you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
