I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I just found puke in my bra..
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
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