You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
