so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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