I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
