I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
