The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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