apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
