ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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