She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
