when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
