I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
