Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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