Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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