Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
