im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
