Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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