the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Randomize
