I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
We need to rekindle our bromance
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
