I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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