We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
