New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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