i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
