I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
