yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
