I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
