Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize