Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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