I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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