To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
