Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
