I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
