Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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