My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
