I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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