i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Shame - the story of my life.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
