I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
