Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Randomize
