I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
