there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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