Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
