I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
