Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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