Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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