Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
