im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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