oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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