I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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