She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
